[28 Dec 2009|10:21pm] bambam_brandi Everything sucks. I feel that horrible, awful feeling I felt all of freshman year.. just wanting to dissapear and die. i haven't been praying or reading the Bible because I'm trying to have a sincere relationship with God, not a fake one.. but instead of having a fake one now I have nothing. I'm even doubting God.. how could I do that? How could I even begin to think that the same God that picked me up from every struggle I've been through could not exist? It makes me feel horrible to think about Him not existing after the past couple of years.. they've been the best, most meaningful years of my life because of Him and now I'm starting to doubt Him. I don't want to though, I want the same feeling I've had.. I don't know. I know it will be okay but I'm tired of waiting. I just want to feel at least okay again. I just feel like dying. post comment

[27 Dec 2009|12:52am] bambam_brandi Everyone says to look back on the good times instead of being sad.. but that just hurts me more. I finally let my guard down and seriously considered if I was making this too big of a deal but I don't know. I don't know what's making me so sad about it.. I don't know what I miss specifically but I miss you so much. I love/hate thinking about the time you told me you loved me and how different you used to be.. from other guys & from the person you are now. I wonder if you're learning the same things I'm learning now. I want to show you all that I've learned and I want to show you how hurt I am.. I just want you to know how I feel. How I really feel, not how I've always pretended to feel for you. I'm just so jealous of your new life without me that seems so fun. I've turned you into this. I hate what you and I have created. Together we destroyed everything that was good about you. At least I'm a part of your history, I've left my mark for everyone to see, horrible or not. I don't know why writing that makes me proud.. It's not something to be proud of at all.. it just makes me happy in some sick way to know that I'll always be with you, that cocky personality will express to the whole world that I was there. I did this you stupid other girls, I did this and now you'll never have the chance to. When you talk to him, you're talking to me. I created this, this is my work. It's so sad that that's what I've accomplished. But writing this brings a smile to my face. I don't know if it's because I feel like it's my revenge to you, or if it's because I'm really with you and have contributed to your life. It just doesn't seem fair to me that everything I've done for you you've taken without being thankful. I put forth so much, you took it and let it change you, and you took everything about me with you to change yourself. It did everything for you, and nothing for me. I sound like a girl who lost their virginity. post comment

[22 Dec 2009|02:09am] bambam_brandi I feel like doing something, I don't know what. I'm tired of being on Facebook and I'm bored with doing MySpace surveys that I usually enjoy because I know no one reads them. I feel like drawing or something, doing something different. I just have this huge urge to do something out of the ordinary. But whatever, I'm gonna go get some Cheerios. post comment

[19 Dec 2009|01:58pm] bambam_brandi I love how cuddly you are. I love how you give me attention even when I'm screaming desperately for it. I hate how you have to be the boss of everything and everyone falls for it. I hate how you flirt with everyone, including me. I love our story and how we can laugh for hours. I hate how being with you sounds so much better in theory than in reality. I hate how I only think about you because I'm lonely. I hate wondering if its because I'm lonely, or because I like you. I love how you make me smile and I love your heart. I love YOUR smile. I hate how last weekend you could hear my heart beating faster and faster. I hate knowing that if anything happened with us I'd be the new her, and you'd find someone to be the new me. I've always been the girl you're crushing on on the side, and that's what you've found so exciting about me. But c'mon, it's been like four years.. I love how I can be honest with you. I love the feeling I got two weekends ago when you told me you've always had a crush on me. I loved when I said, yeah, but it went away this summer when you started liking so-and-so, and then you didn't say anthing. I like to think that you were thinking I was wrong. I HATE how I think all of this and I HATE how you're doing this to me.. I hate how I've just found a pattern, this has all happened before.. getting my heart broken, then letting myself have a crush on my best friend, and then pursuing it knowing it's a horrible idea and I'm only doing it because I'm lonely. But the third step is going to happen eventually.. damnit, why do I do this to myself? Why can't I just relax.. all I want is the ability to relax.. post comment

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