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[22 Dec 2009|02:09am] |
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I feel like doing something, I don't know what. I'm tired of being on Facebook and I'm bored with doing MySpace surveys that I usually enjoy because I know no one reads them. I feel like drawing or something, doing something different. I just have this huge urge to do something out of the ordinary. But whatever, I'm gonna go get some Cheerios.
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[19 Dec 2009|01:58pm] |
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I love how cuddly you are. I love how you give me attention even when I'm screaming desperately for it. I hate how you have to be the boss of everything and everyone falls for it. I hate how you flirt with everyone, including me. I love our story and how we can laugh for hours. I hate how being with you sounds so much better in theory than in reality. I hate how I only think about you because I'm lonely. I hate wondering if its because I'm lonely, or because I like you. I love how you make me smile and I love your heart. I love YOUR smile. I hate how last weekend you could hear my heart beating faster and faster. I hate knowing that if anything happened with us I'd be the new her, and you'd find someone to be the new me. I've always been the girl you're crushing on on the side, and that's what you've found so exciting about me. But c'mon, it's been like four years.. I love how I can be honest with you. I love the feeling I got two weekends ago when you told me you've always had a crush on me. I loved when I said, yeah, but it went away this summer when you started liking so-and-so, and then you didn't say anthing. I like to think that you were thinking I was wrong. I HATE how I think all of this and I HATE how you're doing this to me.. I hate how I've just found a pattern, this has all happened before.. getting my heart broken, then letting myself have a crush on my best friend, and then pursuing it knowing it's a horrible idea and I'm only doing it because I'm lonely. But the third step is going to happen eventually.. damnit, why do I do this to myself? Why can't I just relax.. all I want is the ability to relax..
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[06 Dec 2009|10:55pm] |
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and you knwo what? i'm so tired of pretending i'm so Godly. i'm such a hypocrite, seriously.. i've probably done worse things than so many people. and i know God loves us no matter what we do, and i accept that the best i can. but i feel like it's about knowing God loves you no matter what you've done, not about being a good person to make yourself look good. I feel like every time i do something nice or pray for someine i'm lying to myself. i'm not a good person.. and i'm tired or pretending i am a good person. i'm horrible, and i'm fine with that. whatever.
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[06 Dec 2009|10:43pm] |
Geez, I wrote that over a month ago but I just found it in my drafts. I guess I thought I posted it hahaha. But whateverrrzzzz. Ugh. Some people are so arrogant and stupid. Like, aw brandi, i'm so sorry about your stupid little breakup so while you cry i'll hold you and tell you it's okay and you can talk to me whenever. so i'm liek alright i feel like shit so i'll text so and so to vent about my problems. oh, just kidding brandi i don't give a poop about your stupid little break up i'm only concerned about looking like i'm above you so i'm gonna pretend i know the answer to all your problems and that i'm frustrated that you aren't handling it the right way because everything that comes out of my mouth is the right way to handle your breakup that i know nothing about. but you still can't just not talk to me because i was your first ______ fill in the blank with literally anything in the world. except sex/anything sexual but whatever. alright and after that i'm just gonna leave church functions and not say goodbye to ANYONE. because i'm too cool. seriously? that's just rude. I mean even if it's not church, it's just plain rude to leave somewhere before it's over without saying goodbye to anyone. and it's even ruder to do it every week, and leave five minutes BEFORE it's over with your little possee and stand in the parking lot by your car so that everyone can clearly see you have better things to do than say goodbye to people you've known all your life. it's just friggin rude, and you wonder why you don't have any friends. but then it's like the second you're nice to me i like drool all over the place because i have that stupid connection with you. i mean i have no feelings towards youwhatso ever but you still hold all the power because of that stupid little connection from like four years ago.
So anyways, back to waht i was saying. i'm back on here, because people found tumblr.. so i can't really say anything anymore. If someone wnt through all the trouble to find my friggin livejournal they must actualy care, so I trust them. I could use Xanga.. no one reads that but gracie. I miss her. Okay, so after all these friggin years you've liked me the whole time?!?! Do you realize how much this complicates things!? I've known you've always had a thing for me but I only started having a thing for you semi-recently.. within the past six months or so I guess you could say. but by now i thought i twas just being pathetic and you didn't think of me like that anymore. so t oday i told you i used to havce a crush on you, which is a lie because of course i still kind of do, and then you pull the w hole, well actually brandi, i'll always have a crush on you. cool, i lied for nothing. that'sgood though because itd make things so complicated. especially when i'm all hung up over trentypoopie face who broke my heart for no reason. poooooooppp things are so complicated. fml dawg, f. m. l.
by the way, i haven't taken my meds in like three days if you can't already tell. heheheheheeehehehehahahahahahahahahah
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[06 Dec 2009|10:26pm] |
You came over, I assumed because you missed me. I took you upstairs to see your birthday present- a framed collage of pictures, quotes, Bible verses, inside jokes.. all of which it took me months to do. It was a late present, but you were sweet about it. You didn't mind. I handed you the frame, along with a letter I wrote you. I was so happy to show you how much I loved you; I felt like you needed some appreciation. You gave me half-hearted comments about how old the pictures were, instead of saying, "Aw, I remember that". But who could blame you. I saw a hair stuck inside the frame and took it out. I cut my hand on the glass and it started stinging, but you kissed it for me. You asked if we could pray together and we did, about the "conversation" we were about to have. I realized the cut on my finger was gushing blood. You basically told me it was over, and made up some lame exuses about me needing time to move on before you went to college. You kept holding my hand and calling me sweetie while you did it as if that made everything better. I let you stay for about two minutes before asking you to leave. You said okay and grabbed the picture frame and letter as you started to walk out the door. I grabbed the letter, which stated how much you taught me about trusting others not to hurt me; and which listed the reasons I loved you. You shut my bedroom door, but I heard you stay outside for about thirty seconds. I wonder if you told my mom, or if she even noticed that you came over for ten minutes and left. The blood from my finger was already leaking through the band-aid I had just put on ten minutes ago.
I don't blame you at all, and I'm not mad. I'm not mad, sad, happy.. I'm not anything. I'm not denying it nor accepting it. I can't decide if my praying has paid off, or if I just haven't realized that this is real. I think it's a combination of both; when I tell myself it's over, I feel like I'm lying. I just need closure. I texted you a few minutes ago and you said you'd call me after you got back from soccer to talk about it. I've been avoiding this phone call for almost fourty-eight hours now, and here it finally is. I think I'm ready though, although I don't know what else there is to do or say. I'm definately not going to take you back- I'm not that kind of person.
I don't know how to act now. I'm not going to run around forcing myself to cry my eyes out to everyone I talk to, but I'm not going to bounce off the walls with happiness either. "What's wrong" is an unavoidable question. No matter what I answer I draw attention to myself. I'm tired of keeping myself seperated from the world, but I don't want to talk about it with people and I don't want to selfishly make other people suffer because I'm suffering- I'm not that kind of person either.
Am I a robot, or am I just accepting the fact? I know that God puts me through these things lovingly, knowing the benefits of how I grow through the process will exceed the pain I'll deal with at the time. I know that this is best for both of us, because we've both changed too much to change together. I've become mature, reserved, and logical while you've become mature, cocky, and over-realistic. You used to be dorky, a little insecure, and sweet: that's what I liked about you. You used to ask if we could read the Bible together, if we could go to church together every Saturday night.. You've changed so much. You've grown up, and so have I. We've grown past watching eachother grow up to the point where we don't know eachother anymore. Not that we ever really have. Maybe I'm just strong enough to handle this.
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him." -James 1:2-3
Maybe all the things I've changed about myself just need to be completed. I'm so close to fully realizing to relax and let God handle everything. This is the final test. I've asked for stronger faith, but I know it's not that easy. This is the finishing touch- the final push towards a stronger relationship with Christ. Maybe that's why I don't feel so horrible; I know that the benefits will exceed the pain. I just need patience, I can't wait to see what He has in store for me.
But in the mean time, I don't know what to do.
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[14 Jul 2009|10:54am] |
"Who shall seperate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written: 'For your sake we face death all day long, we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.' No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved ud. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nore demons, neither the prsent nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to seperate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
Romans 8:35-39
This mission trip, I realized the connection between everything I've learned. It's all a cycle. Forgive me if this isn't organized, it's a lot of information.
Things I've learned, and how they are connectd:
1. Sharing the Word
We as christians know we are created for one thing: to spread the love of Jesus Christ. I usually go on mission trip thinking I have the right idea. I've always thought I was above everyone else, because they go to have fun and I go to grow closer to God. I was so wrong. Although it's extremely important to have a close relationship with Christ, that's not what it's about. First priority should be others' relationship with Christ. I've always thought of mission trip as an easy way out. I thought I could go grow closer to God without doing any work; I could just listen to a preacher and magically, everything would be okay. Not only was I wrong in the fact that I can't grow closer to him in one night, but my priorities were all wrong. FIRST comes the world's relationship with Christ, second comes mine. (Although mine is still important, I can't preach what I don't know.)
2. Perescution
"Yet for your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered." Pslam 44:22
We are also promised this: that in trying to spread the word of God, we WILL face persecution. We are never promised that lying down our life for Christ would be easy, and we will endure hardships. But nothing that we will ever face can be worse than a life without Him. Nothing we could gain from keeping quiet about our faith will ever be better than a life laid down for God. "What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us?" -Romans 8:31. And if one person doesn't like our faith, who cares? We can't be quiet about it in fear that someone won't like it. What about all the people that it will affect? The worst that could happen is they ignore us, and the best that could happen is they hear the word and live for it. We will be his "sheep to be slaughtered," and we will do it happily as he did for us.
3. Strength
2 Corinthians 12:9-10 "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in wakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in waknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
Yes, we will face hardship for our faith. But that doesn't mean the world is over. The weakest people in life, I believe, are the ones whose life has been easy or the ones who let their hardships bring them down. The strong are those who have faced hardships, and come out of them stronger. We need actually be happy about our hardships, because God has blessed us with them so that we may come out on top of the world. Everything I have learned, about life, about Christianity, anything, has come from a hardship that Christ has given me. And we need to try our best to come out of them strong, so that we may spread his word with more strength and understanding than ever before.
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[20 Jun 2009|03:54pm] |
Oh yeah, and soon, this will be mine:
Only about six to nine business days left, hallelujiah.
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[20 Jun 2009|03:36pm] |
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I'm so damn tired of the disrespect I get, in return for treating people better than they deserve. I'm tired of spending my summer cleaning up discusting dishes that have been out for weeks because my siblings don't care if it stresses out my mom. My mom whose not only working two jobs to support them, but is in the middle of a divorce. She's had a husband who disrespected her all her life, and now she has to deal with two filthy brats who don't respect her either. Despite how hard she fights a daily battle of her panic attacks and depression because of them, they don't give a damn. So me, sadly being the only person who does, spends my time cleaning up their crap, letting them use my computer, driving them places and paying for their meals, ends up getting the same respect they give my mother. I want to not care what I get in return, but I'm fed up. I'm tired of getting the short end of the stick just because I won't throw tantrums to get what I want like they do. And being that that's pretty much the only way to get some attention around here, I guess I have no choice but to stay silent. I'm pretty good at that, considering I've had years of practice.
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[17 Jun 2009|10:42pm] |
In being a Christian, we are asked to give our lives to God. We're asked to put aside everything and lay down our life to Him. It doesn't matter if we're happy. The only thing that matters is if our life is reflecting what He tells us to do. It sounds like a horribly brutal burden, and I think that's what's holding most people back, including myself. But the truth is, there is absolutely nothing we could give up that could be more fulfilling than a life layed down for Christ. When He tells us to lay down our life for Him, he doesn't do it in His own selfishness. He knows that a life that includes Him is the most wonderful, fulfilling life possible. He doesn't ask us to live for him in vain, he asks us to live for Him for our own good. He just wants us to live a full life, and there is no lifestyle imaginable that is more fulfilling than a life laid down for him. How great is a God whose greatest commandment is basically to be happy?
So why don't we live for Him? Why do we focus on our friends, ourselves, the things we own.. do we think a life focused on any of these things is better than a life focused on God? All of those things WILL pass. If we live our lives according to these things, our lives will have no meaning once they're gone. Once we make something our everything, we have nothing when it's gone. The ONLY thing that is forever, I believe, is the love of Jesus Christ. If we make that our everything, we will never, ever be left with nothing.
This life he calls us to isn't about solely going to church. It isn't about solely reading the Bible or praying. He calls us to do one thing: spread His love. We can go to church all we want, but how is going to church alone going to spread His love? We need to go to church, take in what we hear, and spread it to the world. We need to read the Bible and spread to the world what we have read. We need to pray for strength to do these things. We need to stop thinking, "I'll pass this time. But NEXT time an oppurtunity to shine for God comes along, I'll for sure use it." That's never the case. We'll just be thinking the same thing over and over again, without accomplishing a single thing. "As the rain and snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yeilds for the sower and break for the eater, so is the word that goes out from my mouth: I will not return it empty, but I will accomplish what I desire and acheive the purpose for which I sent it." -Isiah 55:10-11. Every oppurtunity is given to us for a reason, and we have to embrace every one.
It's not too late to start now. One thing that stuck out to me in church tonight was that it isn't about feeling guilty about the past. Feeling guilty doesn't accomplish anything, and the past doesn't matter anymore. It's all erased the second we ask for forgiveness. All that matters is the future, and what we can do to spread the love that Christ showed to us the day He died and took the punishment for all of OUR sins.
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[09 Jun 2009|11:59pm] |
I wish I could function like a normal human being. Fuck ADHD.
I feel like such a loser. Lately I have no close friends, I don't like people enough to hang out with them all the time. Which makes me feel like a loser, but whatever. I like being independent.
This medicine crap is driving me crazy. I'm so tired of this all, I'm tired of everything. I wanna go on mission trip.
FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK I just wanna screammmmmm, I'm never gonna find the right meds and I'm never gonna feel normal. I'm incurably crazy.
But then after I say that, I feel fine. I want to say I'm bipolar, but that would just add to the never-ending list of things that are wrong with me. Either I have every single mental disorder ever made, or I'm a huge hypocondriact. But sadly, most of them are true. I'm such a psycho. ADHD, OCD, anxiety, depression.. and those are only the things I've been diagnosed with. Hahehehahahahsdhfhashdfaweflkasdf I'm so weird. I'm so glad I hide my thoughts.
I don't want to post this, it's just overflow of my mind saying stupid shit that I don't mean, but I will anyways.
Fuck everything, basically.
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[04 Jun 2009|11:38pm] |
Another year of high school is over, and soon there will be none left. It's crazy to know that I've gone from being scared for sixth grade, to watching some of my close friends walk the stage at graduation and become adults. Seems like I'm always waiting for time to pass, and at the same time wanting time back. High school sucks, but when it's me walking down the stage at graduation, I'm gonna miss it.
My best friend of nine years is about to get her license. The same person who gave me my first kiss when I was twelve will soon be able to vote. I watched my old middle school friends turn to drugs, and I cried for weeks over the death of a best friend's mom. Someone I met when I was eleven has a daughter now. Someone I used to be friends with committed suicide.
It's just so surreal to think of all the things that have changed in only sixteen years, and knowing I've got so many more changes to come. I've got decades of them. Time is insane to think about.
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[31 May 2009|04:36pm] |
I'm paranoid that people I know are reading this. Oh, yeah, that would require someone to actually care about someone else. I'm looking back on my old Xanga's and realizing how pathetic I was. I hope I don't look at this dumb thing the same way.
My life has become so boring, I feel like I'm barely here. Most of my thoughts aren't about my life right now, they're about my future life with God in Heaven. Here, the world that is everything opposite of what He is, isn't doing it for me. If that makes me suicidle, then I'm suicidle in the strangest way. I want to be in the perfect place, away from everything wrong, and spend all of my time praising Him. On Earth, I sin and dissapoint Him. When I'm gone, I'll be made perfect and live in Heaven, where I can't dissapoint Him anymore. My mind is half there, half here. Probably because I've become distant from my faith lately. I'm dissapointing the person who risked His LIFE for me. I can't wait to make him happy again. I can't wait to be away from all these adults who are dumber than me telling me what to do. I can't wait to be with the only person who will ever understand my intentions and potential better than I can understand them myself. Here, I'm pretty much alone. Not in a sad way, it's kind of fun actually. I like having this mind, and I like knowing what I know. I know if ONE person did understand it, they would be amazed. I'm not smart, that's not what I'm saying. It's just really different. That's why I wish I could explain myself, I want someone else to be amazed by the way I see things. Because it is amazing. And eventually, I'll put it all to good use.
Actually, I'm really glad no one I know reads this.
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[03 May 2009|02:49pm] |
I finally got medicine. He perscribed me Vyvance, for ADHD. I've only had it for three days, and it helps. I wanna say I'll need a little bit of a bigger dosage, but I think it'll help me more the longer I take it. I'm going back in a month to discuss how it's working.
The first few hours I took it though was awesome. My mind felt totally at peace. Now that I don't have a million thoughts going through my head, there's so much more room. My body felt totally and completely calm and relaxed. I still feel a little like that within the first few hours that I take it, but it fades after a while. It doesn't fully go away until the evening though, which I'm fine with. I think getting a higher dosage would really help on the focusing part, but it might be a little too for the calmness. I still want to be myself, after all. Plus, the thing I got on it said I probably won't notice how much it's helping.
Everyone says their appetite changes. I still get hungry, just all food sounds gross to me. Which isn't good, considering I'm barely 100 pounds. (Finally! I've been in the 90's for like ever.) I'm working on gaining weight and obviously, not eating isn't gonna help. I've just been making myself eat though, there is NO way I'm losing the weight that I have.
I don't know. I'm just really glad I get the opportunity to see what it was like. It's like God magically made everything better. Just like I knew he would.
Blah speaking of, I'm so bored. I wanna do something drastic for God, I really wanna show him to people in a great way, but I have no idea what to do. I've learned a lot, and most of the time when I sit in church or read the Bible, the things I read or hear are nothing new to me. Of course, it's not like I know everything there is to know about God or life, I just think it's God's sign to me that I'm equipt enough to share all that I've learned, and that I should spend more time trying to share and less time trying to learn. I just don't know what to do though. I'll figure it out.
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[14 Apr 2009|09:27pm] |
I gotta admit, I"m so completely hooked on the Twilight books. I'm ashamed to say so because of the huge fad that has formed, but they're so good and so wonderfully written.. not to mention I totally wanna be a vampire now.
Each day gets worse and worse. My little disorders never affected me that much until I realized I had them. Every day they sink more and more into my thoughts, and I can't stop thinking about them. When I'm not thinking about them, I don't notice them as much. I wish I was able to let go of thoughts. Stupid OCD. At least my faith hasn't slipped. I'm learning you don't have to be happy ALL the time.
I went to an actual psychologist about medication, and he suggested some anti-depressant. Yeah right. I sure as hell was depressed last year, but I got over that on my own. Even if I still did have depression, I would want to get over it on my own. This is all so confusing.
I wish:
-I could speed up this friggin medicine process
-Someone anyone, could read my mind and know exactly what's going on. I feel like I can't talk about it without sounding either schitzophrenic, overdramatic, or too lazy to work it all out on my own. There is absolutely, positively NO way to describe what's going on.
-My ipod didn't get stolen.. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that.
-I could do something athletic without being exhausted afterwords. Pathetic, I know.
I don't know.
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[05 Apr 2009|10:58pm] |
I feel so.. weird. I don't know how I feel. A combination of my retreat and watching Passion of the Christ has put a million thoughts into my head. Watching that movie made it all real to me. God is real. He actually died for us, the people that do Him so much wrong. I don't know, it just sunk in for me.
I feel like something huge is about to happen. I'm getting really impacient. I feel like when the oppurtunity comes for this big change, I'm not going to take it. I have to trust that God will help me though it though. I don't know.. I just feel something huge.. I just don't know.
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[29 Mar 2009|01:53am] |
I'm going to a psychologist for testing on April 7th. Then on April.. 30th? I'm getting meds. Hallelujiah!
Two and a half months until my birthday, meaning LICENSE, car, and 35mm camera. I CANNOT wait, but I'm trying to be patient. Seems I spend most of my time waiting for time to pass and at the same time wishing I had time back.
I wish I had relationships with more people. I feel like I'm wasting my youth. I don't have a group of best friends, they all turned into drugees. My best friend lives in Houston. I have a group of close friends, but they're not as close as I'd like. I wish I didn't feel like I'm wasting my time.
Although, I cannot put into words how appreciative I am that I have such an amazing boyfriend. Every girl thinks their's is the best, but if I got the chance to create my perfect guy, I wouldn't. I'd just stay with him.
I'm starting to think I'm smarter than most adults. My intellegence is without a doubt nowhere near an adult's, but I believe I have more wisdom than most. It just seems like I know how to handle situations adults can't handle themselves. I see my mom let people walk all over her, and she doesn't know why she isn't happy. I think I'm smarter then most of my friends as well. I can tell someone a hundred times that you're only in highschool once, and it's best lived when you're not wasting your time on a jerk, and I can tell someone that you're not accomplishing your goals by compromising with yourself. But you can't really understand something by just hearing it. I wish I could pass on what I know in a way people could understand, not just hear.
Once all this stuff in my head goes away, I'll figure it out. Maybe that's my purpose.
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[21 Mar 2009|11:37pm] |
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[23 Feb 2009|06:58pm] |
My insane ex-boyfriend's grandma died last weekend. Basically it was like his mom died though, she's the one who took care of him. I knew her very well, it was sad. All she wanted was for her grandson to go a few months without being sent to jail. Very sad. Funeral was sad, especially since hardly any of his friends showed up. C'mon, if I had the undecency to steal thousands of dollars from someone, I think I'd at least show up to their funeral. I can't stand having a conversation with the kid, he's not aloud to talk to me, and I still went. Assholes.
I went on my church's retreat last weekend. It was amazing. I'm realizing now that I have the best group of friends at my church. They're not like the people I usually pick for friends. Usually I pick the kind of people who have a selfish friendship, they like being around you so they're friends with you. These people are friends wih you because they care about you. I don't know, it's cool to finally feel like there's somewhere I can go where there are no boundaries, I can say whatever I want to and be as real as I want, and they'll still be there. I feel so comfortable, it's relieving.
For whatever reason my mom purchased the book, He's Just Not That Into You. I picked if up for laughs, and it's actually really funny, written by a comedian. The writing is hilarious and it's insightful at the same time.
Okay, freaking fiiiiiiiiinalllly, I'm getting medicationnnnn! I'm freaking excited. I can't wait. And it's not just me telling myself I'll get medication to ease my mind anymore, it's for real. My mom's been calling psychiatrists and everything.
Woo.
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[11 Feb 2009|08:54pm] |
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All sin is equal to God. I've been thinking about how much I tend to look down on people who have totally thrown their lives down the trash. We have a tendency to do that, look down on people who do something we're totally against. But basically what we're doing is looking down on people who have sinned, when we've all sinned. We sin with every breath we take. Yeah, I don't do meth or cocaine, but I do things like waste my time watching a tv show I've seen twenty times when I could be reading the Bible. All sin is the same, so how is that any different from what I do? Basically what I've realized is, putting down anyone who does anything wrong would be hypocritical.
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